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In order to fit in with the general ethos of the website I have invented a wife.

Our relationship, I note, has suffered because we don't spend enough time together (not surprising really, since she doesn't exist).

I register, and enter the murky world of two-timing technology, taking note of the warning on the site: "Not all affairs have a positive effect on a marriage." What a masterpiece of understatement.

I wonder if anyone has ever read this, seen the wisdom of it and decided not to join. "I'm witty, charming, handsome and modest, and I'm kind to animals," I write, hoping this description will have a fairly broad appeal, and also include a recent photograph.

This is how I find myself waiting for "Sophia Loren".